'sometimes when I breathe in
it's like a kick in the heart -
but I do not need saving'
When I was seven years old I wrote those words
in a letter to fairies. Then I slipped the note inside
a pink pillow case, then listened out for their wings
smacking air out of the way.
I did not like sleeping alone.
When I was 11 I kissed a boy with blond hair
and blue eyes, his name was Adam
and his lips were too warm, but I still kissed him
sixteen more times.
He had a royal blue fleece jacket and always smiled.
Always, but I never felt like smiling
and he always asked me why -
'I am too sad' I would say,
then he would hold my white cheeks
in his palms.
On January 24th 1999,
Adam must have felt sad too
because he turned into exactly how I felt on the inside.
But I did not cry when I was told,
it was more like a cold dream
dropping sharp-edged stones on my chest,
and surely soon I would wake up with one or two
still jammed inside my throat,
three minutes later I realised it was just dirty a